The person I’ve become

It’s almost exactly a year since I came back from Erasmus.

The exact date will be after 11 days. So if you’re not quite into mood of reading some post-Erasmus depression-shit, you can stop now. There is nothing interesting to read. I’m not interesting. I’m not even a type of person who you’d like to have a conversation with.

So many things have changed that I don’t even know myself anymore. I don’t know people around me. I don’t understand people around me anymore… I don’t get along with them anymore…

I have hurt so many people since then.

And I still feel like I haven’t changed at all. Probably, it’s not that true as I think it is.

So, what the hell happened, that I am sitting after a year break in front of my laptop and writing this? I don’t quite know. It seems like everything changed. And I can’t make myself say that for the better.

Like they say, you gain some, you loose some.

When I came back from Erasmus, from Sweden, that rainy, dull, depressing little room in cute little town where I had my both, toughest and most amazing moments, I thought everything will be different now. And it was. Just not the way I thought it will be.

I started to wonder. To overthink everything that and who surrounds me. Did I make it like that? Do these people really want to be around me or do I really want to be around them? Who are all these people? And why they are behaving this way…

It’s just like they say in all post-Erasmus stories – you don’t get along anymore with anyone, who hasn’t been to Erasmus. But most of these stories end up in the jolly way. Well, probably, not this one.

After my return I found myself engaged into numerous activities again. I can’t even remember what I was doing, it was just I haven’t enough time for everything. For my old and new friends, for my parents… For anyone… Including me. I have left my guard down. Probably, for too long. I started to open up to people who saw me as a, probably, different person after this time, especially, when I wasn’t around. They forgot who I was. Or maybe I forgot who I was before?

I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.

I just found myself seeing people, who surrounded me for so long until my Erasmus, differently, like, from a bit of distance, seeing their flaws and not able to understand, why they are like that and why suddenly I don’t feel comfortable with them anymore, I can’t be around them anymore. I can’t listen to them anymore because I am screaming inside and scratching edges of my insides to let the demon out of his shell and shout out – you are not the only one suffering, you are not the only one who has it hard… But I couldn’t. I still can’t. I can’t let that thing out, because if I do, I will lose people who are still around me after everything I said, done and how I made them feel…

However, it seems like I still released some claws of his around me, because people, who I believed to be my closest friends, who I relied on and trusted, who I was always happy to see and chit-chat, those people are not there anymore. Or, I don’t know, I’m not “on their list“ anymore.

Something broke down inside me and I have no idea how to fix it. The single thing I know – there is no way back. There will never be those times I had again. There will never be something similar. But it’s so impossible to let go of everything that nobody can imagine.

It’s like you are standing in a room full of people, people, who thought were your friends, even your best friends, and you cannot ask for help because there is not a single person who would be willing, sincerely wishing to help you. Nobody. Never again. Never.

You say, it’s impossible. Well, yes it is. It just appears the worst thing – most of these people were friendly and supposedly sincere to me just because we were around each other for so much time. During trips. Rehearsals. Lectures. Other activities. Volunteering. Nothing else. Subconsciously you tend to like people and look for good features in them after spending a lot of time with them. This what happened to me and this is how I surrounded myself with this theatrical performance what I believed to be true – I believed I had so many great friends, who are there for me and who are happy to have me, et cetera, et cetera… And that was not the case.

So what happened?

I started working immediately after my return. And I am working fucking hard to reach my goals since then. For a year. Only a year of going the direction I want to go and I have lost my closest people. My best friends. Loved ones. And ones I trusted and loved as siblings. Fucking year to screw all things up to the level that now I am sitting in my room shedding tears without a clear reason and with no freaking soul to call up and say, that something is wrong with me and I don’t know what.

I was always fascinated by psychology and how human brain works. I have studied it a lot, even though not in a professional way, but close to it. I clearly understand things without people telling me those. I am not stupid. But I don’t feel superior to other because of this. Or anything. Or that I’m capable of doing things that would probably kill others of exhaustion. I don’t feel special at any certain level. I’m not even good at anything I think I understand. I’m not good at anything.

And now I am just a sad little person in a room without a close soul to release all the stress or fears together. Not a single fucking soul.

Now I can hear you saying – oh, you just don’t have any friends, nobody loves you, boohoo, everyone has it sometimes, go and get some friends, blah blah blah. Well, after you understand, that your best friend was just an attention seeking person who doesn’t care about anyone else just oneself and for who you cared so much and did anything and simply was used of, when you understand, that the person you felt the warmest feelings after a long period of time, that person is not right to you because of social, political, any other differences and also was simply using you without any credit, you try to think of all the times this happened and you were feeling neglected or dishonored or any other similar way, but you didn’t know why. When you understand that, you don’t know how to start from the beginning.

It’s just a black hole inside of you without anybody to fill it. Anything to fill it. Just a simple darkness without a way out. Just a feeling of dizzy weakness that covers you from the outside world. Something unexplainable.

When you understand that after all these years from the numerous people you think you got along there are just a few left. Who you can’t even call in the middle of the night if something is wrong.

Neither of whom would help your relatives in case of emergency.

Neither of whom would help even you.

I just want to change everything so much. Change everything back to normal, how it was, with freaky geeky moments, with amazing trips and evenings, nights together, with the joyful happiness, with vicious discussions that always ended in laughs.

Now there’s just me, trying to start and maintain the conversation.

And I stop doing this.

As I stopped trusting people. Seeking for their attention. For their appreciation. For anything.

As I stopped living.

As I became the person I am now.

A person who’s avoided, neglected, ignored, forgotten. The person who is not needed anymore anywhere. The person who is not understood in any way.

But how do I let go of the person before me?


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